Super Bowl Commercials

I’m at my friend Missy’s new apartment in Hoboken at her Super Bowl party, the one nerd to bring a laptop so I can write my commentary down on each spot as they go by. Having 30 seconds to react and come up with an interesting quip might be hard, especially if people talk loud. I know I missed half the spots last year by being a noisy bar. So far, from the pregame it looks like this will be a rather lame year. H&R Block is running a “double your return” contest. Makes me wonder if you owe the IRS if you’d owe double. Or what if you win and your return is $2? Maybe that’s what they’re hoping for.

Super Bowl Kick Off Show

The NASCAR promos with the cars as rollercoaster were nice eye candy. They did a good job of comparing themselves to the “toughness’ of football throughout the game. It’s an example of visual puffery; NASCAR is nowhere near as cool as those visuals make them out to be, but it’s like the fancy packaging on bottled water. In the end, it’s just water. These spots might make you more psyched to see a NASCAR event than before but a letdown is inevitable.

GMC chimes in with a dirt-covered truck and the reveal of the logo. Woo hoo. Haven’t seen a dirty truck in a commercial in…oh..five minutes?

Toyoto Sienna brings as an over the top execution of badly cast ‘cute’ kids being ‘cute.’ The payoff: “They’ll never ask you for safety but shouldn’t you give it to them any way?” I don’t know if they’ll ever ask but they might be inclined to ask “Mommy, why is my head bleeding?” if you don’t. An extra half point is awarded for some ska guitar riffs in the background at the end. Their big line there is also what we call a ‘walking strategy statement.’ I’m sure there’s 50 copywriters on Adholes alone who could have written a more clever line than that.

Prudential Financial Apparently Prudential bought some Coca Cola stock and as part of the deal, they acquired their polar bears. What polar bears really have to do with anything other than being white (which, no doubt, most of the staff of Prudential is as well). I’m really not sure why anyone would spend so much money on a spot like this, but to each their own. Maybe the CEO likes Polar Bears.

Ford runs a retail-oriented ad. Another boring offering.

So far the pregame show is ominous. These spots are all pretty horrible. A few years ago every single ad had you rolling on the floor. I really think that client-driven lack of spending over the past few years has gutted and otherwise demoralized creative departments. Most of these spots seem to reek of agencies doing whatever the client wants and otherwise mailing it in.

Direct TV—a kid gets older and older as he goes through different rooms showing various points in television history. It’s a beautifully shot spot with great work in the transitions between scenes. However, the payoff, that it’s a DirectTV ad doesn’t resonate. The idea seems to be that DirectTV is the next in line in television technology, but what did they show us to back this up? I know they have 30 seconds but they could have paid it off with a line that invokes that they’re about to launch something big, bad and earth shattering. Other than that they’re just a me-too to cable.

Tostidos, man gets married on Super Bowl Sunday. One of those “we love the product so much our life revolves around it” lame concepts.

Blockbuster online, man drives to his mailbox. Ultimately any time you do an ad about doing things online it becomes the same tired ad for the Internet. Now you can do things faster, cheaper, better. So obviously it’s been done before. Blockbuster is trying hard to knock Netflix on its ass and essentially become the AOL of video rentals. So the investment in these Super Bowl commercials is key, and thus far, lame.

24 Fox’s fourth season for 24 has them putting most of their eggs in this basket. We have a man going to supermarkets and other public places to make scary proclaimations based on the show to illustrate that they’re so excited about it that they’re ‘taking it to the streets.’ Sure. I’m surprised they didn’t get so excited they had dancing polar bears, or Kiefer Sutherland getting so worked up that he runs out of the shower and into a blizzard to tell the snow plow man.

We see a bunch of tough bikers traveling on the highway. Cut to a family in a mini van who spots them in the rearview mirror and is clearly intimidated. The bikers are hungry and stop at a diner, only to see a gang of Ford Trucks parked there. They too are intimidated and decide to go eat at the salad bar down the street. This ad isn’t funny but it is somewhat smart. They use positioning here. But when I say smart, I’m not saying Ivy League smart, but maybe like senior level state college. Enough to get a nod but not much more.

I’m really not sure what happened in these French fries that look like Lincoln ads for McDonalds here. They’re cryptic. And yes, I do want to check out the website. I’m thinking that perhaps, they’re auctioning off this fry to help pay for the commercial. That would be a neat trick because not only would it be the French fry that looks like Lincoln, but it would be the French fry that looks like Lincoln that was on TV. On the Super Bowl! Now that’s something to tell the kids when you blow their college education buying this thing. Not for those on a low-carb diet, remember.

A cow, freezing in some tundra-like place decides to leave for California. The payoff: California cheese is better because their cows are better. Obviously this is a subtle knock at Wisconsin, but I’m convinced that Wisconsinites make better cheese because, well, that’s JUST ABOUT ALL THEY MAKE! California is busy making wine, actors and governors. So it’s not like they have a whole heck of lot of time to be thinking about cheese in my opinion. `   

The Game Starts

Verizon continues their lame “Can you hear me now” campaign, this time using monkeys. It seems in absence of real creative talent and vision, they’re ripping formulas out of the archives. “Monkeys = funny.”

A fun spot airs from Pizza hut featuring the Muppets. Not much of an idea here but it’s more fun than normal celebrities. At least they’re not full of themselves.

Next we have the coin toss. I can’t believe that no one has thought to sell this as an ad. “The coin toss, brought to you by Chase Bank who has provided a special coin from their vault.” Or better yet, sell sides of the coin. “Ladies and Gentleman, Pepsi will be heads and Coke will be tails. If the coin lands on its side, it’s RC Cola.” The player calls heads. When has a player NOT called heads? Never. If they call tails and lose they would be vilified. If you call heads and lose, well, you called what you’re supposed to call.

We see another frozen tundra commercial, but this time it winds up being one my favorite spots. A cop approaches a Ford Mustang convertible with a driver frozen in place. The payoff works well: This car is too tempting to release in the winter.

Heading to the kitchen to get a Bass, I miss a Bud Light commercial. Like the rest of them, it didn’t seem too interesting.

The O2 Optix lens ad is a nice visual treatment that gets the point across. A big contact lens surrounds various people and they appear clearer and more saturated than everything else in the scene. It’s a smart, visual idea that was executed well. It’s not too over the top. I don’t mind looking at it, for now. I get the idea that they’re going to run this over and over and over though.

At first I didn’t get the Diet Pepsi ad with P. Diddy. But after seeing it a second time, without my friends talking so loud it’s a pretty funny spot poking fun at how ridiculous celebrity trends are. P. Diddy breaks down on the way to a red carpet event and has to hitch a ride with a Diet Pepsi truck. Soon, everyone is driving a Diet Pepsi truck, culminating with Carson Daly, whom I’m not sure if he really got how humorous it was that he was cast in this spot as the ultimate me-too hanger on to celebrities. Oh yeah, well, this didn’t have much to do with anything about Diet Pepsi so it loses points for relevance but it was a nice short funny film that makes you remember Diet Pepsi. Sometimes that’s all your asking for.

Bubbilicious borrows from Gatorade with the whole black and white athletes with the product still in color look. It’s a pretty ad, but that’s about it.

The Mrobe Olympus Cameras just have too much going on in a short period of time for me to understand what’s going on, or what it does, or even remember what the name is aside from the fact that I actually bothered to write it down on my laptop during the game.

Vin Diesel in the Pacifier looks positively awful.

Fed Ex Fed Ex takes as through an amusing spot featuring Super Bowl clichés. Doesn’t tie into Fed Ex in any other way than it being memorable for being one of the funniest commercials in this year’s Super Bowl, which was not a hard feat this year. Anyhow, according to Fed Ex, the Super Bowl Commerical clichés are: 1. Celebrity 2. Animal 3. Dancing Animal 4. Cute Kid 5. Groin Kick, 6. Talking Animal. 7. Attractive females. 8. Product Message (optional) 9. Pop song, 10. Bonus Ending. The nice thing about this is that in terms of competing with other Super Bowl ads, for the rest of the show you’re thinking Fed Ex is cool for pointing this out, and you also look for these clichés in other ads, which I was able to find all night.

But Light. Guy wants a bud light and two attractive women but they wind up nagging him once he gets them. Well, what’s the downside when you get the Bud Light? Sorry to sound like a bad focus group but wouldn’t that analogy also mean once you finally get your hands on a Bud Light, you’ll be totally disappointed and wish you were just by yourself, drinking tap water?

The Volvo ad with a rocket ship taking off and a “my other vehicle is a Volvo” is a terrible positioning ad for a car who has built their reputation on safety. Rocket ships BLOW UP! And the Richard Branson cameo at the end…what was that about? Does this guy need to be exposed any more? Someone please talk some sense into me when I’m a billionaire.

Diet Pepsi. Another Diet Pepsi, this time a well dressed man has everyone going crazy about him. “Light, Crisp, Refreshing” is the payoff. Not sure if this is the new agency’s work or BBDO’s last hurrah on the account but either way it was pretty unspectacular.

Godaddy.com A hot girl takes off her shirt in front of what looks to be Congress, but instead of being on “C-SPAN” we’re on “C-SPIN.” Right at the beginning of the commercial they tell us that this site sells domains cheap. OK. And then we have a hot girl possibly taking off her clothes, teasing us, captivating our attention. I can instantly write them a better ad: if domain names are so cheap now (when I first registered Punknet.com, it cost me $75 a year, now this site is selling them for $3.95) why not show all the ridiculous names you could register. Why not register the names of your future kids? Imaginary companies? My-boss’-name-sucks.com? That would be a campaign with legs—there would be an infinite amount of funny domain names and Godaddy would be able to register them, create fake sites for them and drive people to these sites with their commercials. That would be a smart, funny, integrated campaign.

Two guys are at a football game. One takes a picture with his camera phone and sends it to his buddy who’s not at the game. The friend takes his own picture—of him with the other guy’s girlfriend and Bud Light back at his place. Simple beer humor.

I missed most of the Captain America for Visa Check Card commercial. Anyone have a comment?

A guy in a convenience store tells the owners that they’re getting robbed. The owners mace him and beat him with baseball bats. Ameritech Mortgage urges you to not judge too quickly. It’s the first of a campaign of moderately funny commercials that will at least make them the best ads in their category.

Quiznos reminds us that when you’re going to use a talking baby and a hot girl, at least make the spot FUNNY. As I go back and rewrite this, all I can remember is that there are no dead singing rats, and that’s all I care about.

HITCH with Will Smith looks like it might be a funny movie.

MBMNA, a company I’ve never heard of, wastes millions of dollars to give us a dizzying analogy of rugby players not wearing helmets and having Aretha Franklin run onto the field.

GMC started the trend of ending their spots with “by GMC” like their truck brand is some designer label. Honda copies this model in another generic truck ad.

The animals with furry feet paying homage to the Cliedsdales is a nice spot that ties in with the legacy of Anheuser Busch.

I didn’t the concept of everything going over the fence for Baked Lays, other than that MC Hammer will do just about anything for Money these days.

Quiznos shows once again it’s swung the pendulum COMPLETELY in the opposite direction with this peculiar spot of a cop pulling over a bunch of guys eating subs. OK, AND?

The Pepsi-iTunes tie in with Pepsi Caps being used by Djs to scratch records and a band (the Vines?) knocking over a Pepsi causing their music to get messed up is slightly heavy-handed, but amusing nonetheless. The follow up spot to this features Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, I think? And Gwen Stephani? Finally they’re starting to use some musicians I actually like.

Degree deodorant uses male stereotypes and bullies us into trying a new thing. They suggest that perhaps we’re momma’s boys for not trying them. No, dumbass, I BUY WHAT”S ON SALE! You could have sent every guy in the country a coupon for what you spent on this spot.

Caddilac—goes through the tunnel and the tunnel smokes like it shot abullet. Bang. Led Zeppelin music.

When things started getting slow for me with ad freelance I should have learned how to train monkeys. In yet another monkey spot, Careerbuilder has one photocopying his butt. The lone human is on the phone “Yeah, I work with a bunch of monkeys.” Reminds me of my days at Ammirati.

The Bud Light spot with the girl in a bar, guy talking to her and a bird…well, I’m lost. Next…

Sielstone, apparently a tile manufacturer blows millions on both the placement and celebrities, each repeating “I am Diana Pearl” culminating in, who else, Dennis Rodman. I love Dennis Rodman’s antics but do I really want to associate him with a high end tile brand? Or did he lose a round of golf to the CEO?

Unfortunately I missed what beer this was for. An Amber Bock? They show a cheesy guy trying to put a move on a girl. He’s rich but not smooth. Another guy has all the same amenities and he puts a successful move on, but we do the old pull back to reveal trick and he’s with a girl in an appliance store. He works there. His boss comes by and says “Steve, what are you doing? Where’s your tag?” He’s smooth but not rich. Of course, this beer is the only thing that can be both.

HALF TIME 7-7

NASCAR shows a gladiator fighting other gladiators and ends the spot with 42 vs. 1. Well, yeah. I’m sure it would be as fun as lopping other people’s heads off though.

Brad Pitt is chased by a mob, only to find out people are after his Heineken. Yes, we all love Heineken so much. It people feel that way about beer, then beer should be outlawed. For now, let’s outlaw Brad Pitt.

A talking dog wants his owner to buy a Toyota because it comes with a “199 leash.” The owner corrects him that it’s a “$199 lease.” The dog, now in the car decides this too is a good thing. Not too bad. I didn’t’ get it the first time because I again missed the beginning of the spot due to excess chatter.

We see a BBQ grill on a ski lift, a boat, a golf course, etc. Thanks to Dunkin’ Donuts we can now get grilled beef anywhere. You mean I don’t have to carry a grill on a ski lift anymore? Thank god. It wasn’t so bad going up but trying to avoid it coming back down the mountain..well..that was a bitch.

The NFL gives us players singing the Tomorrow song from Annie and ends it with “Tomorrow we’ll all be undefeated.” The only sport that can do this because of its one-game winner-take-all playoff format. Other major sports woudn’t produce this spot in anticipation of a Game 7 so it does set the NFL aside from the other sports. Why they wouldn’t just sell this time off as another commercial is beyond me though.

A woman is wearing a bikini with Tabasco logos all over it. She pulls back a bit of her top to reveal that she’s been burned underneath the bikini. A decent concept but it seems like one of those student concepts you’d see in CMYK magazine or something.

Staples reruns it’s “Wouldn’t life be nice if everything had an EASY button.” How does this work for Staples? A lot of things make your life easy and they’re not all at an office supply store.

Ameriquest continues its campaign with a hilarious sequel to the convenience store ad. This time a guy is surprising his girlfriend by making her dinner in her apartment. Right before she opens the door, the cat knocks over the spaghetti sauce, gets into it and she opens the door to find the cat covered in red with him holding the cat and a knife in his hands. “Don’t judge too quickly.” Ties in the new Ameriquest tagline, presumably that if you have the credit score equivalent of butchering cats, you can still talk to them about a loan.

Cialis runs a lame spot but it boasts that it helps with erectile disfunction for 36 HOURS? IS THIS A GOOD THING? Girls at the party all ask the guys ‘What would you do if this worked for 36 hours.” Well, probably watch that GoDaddy.com ad over and over and over.

Kid Rock has a mini me in the V-Cast mini spot. I’m not sure what this thing does exactly. I’m not sure Kid Rock does either, other than knowing his check was supersized.

Miller, continues to use positioning ads against Bud,making fun of its ‘select’ ads by boasting that its beer still tastes better. .

“One small step on the accelerator, one giant leap for mankind” says the Toyota Hybrid commercial. Too bad all my award show books are in storage, I bet I could find that line used for something else somewhere.

This February 21st Bud introduces a new kind of beer. Bud Select. Kiss your aftertaste goodbye. Why not introduce it on February 14th? That way if your significant other is a lousy kisser, you can have Bud Select instead.

Green Giant, Mr. Peanut, Charlie the Tuna, Count Chocula, the Morton Salt Girl, Mr. Pickle and Mr. Clean all team up to star in a priceless Mastercard debit commercial. One of those “feel good” “the gang’s all here” sort of spots.

In a loud club, a man tries to mime the fact that he’s a designated driver and doesn’t want another drink to his friend across the room. People think it’s a dance move and start doing it. A fun take on the usually lame designated driver spots.     There’s another “challenge” on the field and another lost source of revenue. Pepsi didn’t want to be the “Challenge, presented by Pepsi?” I’m sure there’s a lame way to tie this into 1/2 a dozen brands.

For those who wondered which would be better, the game or the commercials, clearly the game was much better this year. A 0-0 deadlock in the first. Within one touchdown most of the game. Philadelphia with one last chance to come back in the last minute. The commercials definitely let us down. Hopefully the economy will get better and the talented people sitting on the sidelines will give us more to pick from than this lame showing.

My three favorites are the Ameriquest one with the cat, the Fed Ex clichés spot and the P. Diddy causing a Diet Pepsi Truck buying spree. There’s too many bad spots to choose from this year, so let’s just say I’m pretty disappointed. What did you think?