I've pretty much watched Ellen every morning for the last 4 months. Before that, I watched Oprah. And before that, I stuck with Regis and Kelly. People always ask why all we talk about are movies and tv shows. Well, what else are we supposed to do when we're unemployed?

True, I've had some good stints in advertising, and sure, most of my book still comes from ad school, but doesn't everybody's? Every employer want's to know- what's in your book that has gone through? We want to see that stuff, they say. And the truth is- no, you don't. You want to see what we're capable of. What we bring to the table, and what it is that we can do for you. We can write, actually, we're damn good at it. We can draw, we can photoshop, we can use illustrator. We've created thousands of ads and logos and pictures that we're proud of, and that's what we bring to the table. But what's gone through are the thousands of post cards, half filled with tiny legal copy that we didn't write, and the dm pieces that we slaved over for three straight days, trying to keep an ounce of goodness in them, but in the end, even we would throw it in the trash without looking at it. We don't bring to the interviews the brochures, and the posters that the client wanted to use their photo that they took with they're digital camera because they thought "it looks cool." And really, we're not going to show you that.

But because we won't show you that, because we have some sort of inch of pride left that hasn't been beaten out of us, you won't hire us. You won't take the time to see that we're a really good writer, or designer, or concepter. You won't teach, you won't consider different paths, and you won't budge. And any kind of cute gift or thank you note that we send to you won't matter, because for every one of us that is truly gifted, there are a thousand hacks that graduated with an english major that will work for half the price.

And then there's the rest of you- those of you who say "Yes, you're a great creative. We really like your work and you're very reasonable."- you don't have a need for us. You've already got the staff, the people, and the clients, and you want great new creative groundbreaking work, but your staff has an average tenure of fifteen years on the job, and your clients like what you've done for the last ten years, and so you're just gonna keep doing it.

So again, what are we- the creatives- supposed to do with our goodness and greatness and mediocreness and portfolio full of ads that we love and hard drives full of work that we're only gonna show if you make us? Easy, we'll watch Ellen. We'll watch Oprah. We'll search the net, make some phone calls, and play our PSP's for the remainder of the day, knowing it's not us, it's you. You're not ready, and that's why we have to end our relationship and go sit on the couch and eat a half gallon of chocolate ice cream. And to you, we say- thanks. Because of you, we're broke, we're hungry, we're nervous, we have skin as thick as lizards, and we weigh twenty pounds more than we're supposed to. But we're not gonna call first. We're just gonna eat ice cream until you realize what you're missing. Until you realize it's your fault. Until you realize that you can't live without us. We're the important ones, and you're gonna realize that when you just get around to it and you realize the rest of your staff can't give you what we'll give you. So there.

But if you don't want to call, we're free next week to set up another meeting. Or tomorrow. Or maybe we'll just call and see what your voicemail's up to. We kind of miss it. It completes us.