Note: We laugh at you on the other side of the speaker phone when you screw these simple advertising phrases up.

Please learn them, or be doomed to a fiery pit of demons chaining the genitals of bad clients on meat hooks, hanging you next to the wailing, pathetic clients that approved the Britney Spears Pepsi campaign.

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A HEADLINE is the copy in big letters that changes from ad to ad. It's the thing you insist must include the words "philosophy", "collection", "quality", "modern", "unique", "value", "customer", "streamlining", "technology", "innovation", "procurement" and "now" and well as being short and quick and to the point.

A TAGLINE is the cute little collection of words that usually sits near your logo that is the essence of your branding and brand positioning. It's the thing you don't understand the value of, so you won"t let us spend the time it takes to develop one. "Got Milk?", "Think Different" and "All the news that's fit to print" are examples. And no, you can't use those.

When you like a rough concept and want us to develop it more, you want us to FLESH IT OUT. FLUSH IT OUT means to clean with water. Like what you will need to do to remove the bacteria from the gaping, bloody teeth marks on your hand if you flip to the next page in the presentation packet before I get to that part, you ignorant pig.

CONCEPT is the big idea, the way we're going to convince the public that your shitty, miserable product is not quite so shitty and miserable, without lying so much that we go to jail or get sued. There is a difference between the concept and the EXECUTION. (see EXECUTION) "Why don"t you just make the product really big and make it look like the brochure" is not a concept. It's not an execution. It's just ABSOLUTE SHIT (see CLIENT SUGGESTIONS).

The EXECUTION is the way we communicate the concept, the way we bring our ideas to fruition. If you want us to EXECUTE the concept or idea, we are keeping it. You like it. You want us to FLESH it out. We are not performing capital punishment on it, although it's not a bad idea when it comes to the next useless bastard who says "We like all 6 ideas. Combine them into one ad."

When we say we welcome CLIENT SUGGESTIONS, we mean: we'll roll our eyes, make mocking hand gestures, make the "gag me with a spoon" motion and mouth "yeah, right" about 30 times while you speak. Honestly, we could give a flying fuck about your minor in marketing, the ad you once wrote for your high school paper or the opinion of your meddling spouse who had never even met a member of the target market.

DEADLINE EXTENTION: And most importantly, when we say, "The creative department is working hard on that. You'll see something early next week," we mean, "We were too hung over on Monday to do anything. Tuesday was the dart tournament. Wednesday, the weather was too nice to work. Today, we spent the whole, stupid day in the pointless conference call with you. And we can't do anything tomorrow! We just downloaded a new version of Unreal Tournament off a warez board."

We're glad you've taken the time to learn where 15% of your advertising budget goes. An educated client is a valuable client. Clients only get the work they deserve, so I'll be sending you a flaming bag of horse shit by FedEx ASAP. Thank you for your time.