It might just be that I am fortunate enough to have been raised in an environment where the importance of a handshake was adequately stressed, but it seems to me that there are far too many folks out there who just don't get it. I am ever dismayed upon receiving a 'Dead Fish' or 'Shaolin Knuckle Duster' greeting - ergo, Handshakes according to Jer; or, The Good, the Bad & the Ugly:

The Good

It's so simple: grasp the proffered palm, make sure the web between your thumb and index finger touches the recipient's same web, clasp fingers firmly, shake and break. You can shake once or twice, but that's about it; hold longer than three seconds and I'll likely think you're about to ask me for a date; definitely make eye contact. Truly an exercise in simplicity - oh, and ladies, same goes. Personally, I hate getting the 'Princess Fingertips'. Shake my hand, I'll respect all the more.

The Bad

I'm sure everyone out there has been on the wrong end of a bone-crushing handshake. Now unless you are meeting the boyfriend of the girl you were just hitting on at the local dive, there really is no need for this kind of behaviour. Honestly, I'm not going to respect you for breaking my knuckles, I'm just going to think you're an ape (and I'm using my polite words here). Another no-go in my books is offering your hand palm-down. This went out of style back in the eighties, along with shoulder pads and 5 o'clock shadow, as far as I'm concerned. However, there are a couple of good disarmament techniques to remember for the next time you run into a lout. The first, and my personal favourite, is the 'Eyebrow defuse'. Very simple, yet surprisingly effective. Look at the outstrectched hand, then up to the person's face; once eye contact has been made, cock one eyebrow and wait. Nine times out of ten, you'll see the offending hand slowly rotate 90 degrees counterclockwise. The second, less subtle approach is to grasp the person's hand and turn it yourself - you should expect the Knuckle Grind, however. Last, but certainly not least, just plop your hand right on top of theirs and shake. This response is good for starting fights... trust me.

The Ugly

You know what these are - handshakes executed so poorly that your first response is to stifle a shudder. Perhaps the worst of all is the aptly named 'Dead Fish'. I used to get this all the time from my students when I was teaching ESL, and it would immediately become the topic for my next lesson. If you're deliberately trying to put someone off or to sour a deal, this is a sure-fire way to do so: offer your hand in greeting, and... that's it. No grasping, no resistance, no response whatsoever. If you're really looking to unimpress, make sure your palms are clammy and/or sweaty before initiating contact. If you are unfortuante enough to get one of these, there is little you can do save grin and bear it. Make a mental note to have as few dealings with this individual as possible - but (but but but!) don't forget their name! This is absolutely crucial - you don't want to get another 'Dead Fish' introduction, do you? If you remember their name, the following scenario should transpire:

YOU: (aside) Oh, no... it's that limp-wristed guy again. What was his name? Right! Joe. JOE: (extending glistening palm) Hey! Remember me? YOU: (shooting with double-barrel fingers) Joe, buddy! How ya doing?

I tell you, if you're not comfortable with 'Gunslinger Fingers', you should become so. In the above situation, Joe won't even realize you're shunning physical contact - he'll likely just be happy you remembered his name. Now slip away when he's not looking, you still have to avoid the farewell formalities. I'll save that for a later posting: "The Artful Dodger, or, Duck and Cover: how to get away unscathed"... or something like that.